The last couple of days I have really been feeling less than my confident self. I am still unemployed and that brings a whole realm of not good enough. I send out resumes. I get invited in for an interview. I think I interview great. Then get the phone call saying they decided to go with another candidate. But wait a minute, I thought I interviewed great! The reply is that I did. I would be a great asset to their organization, but they found someone who would be even better.
Then like a slow leak in a really big balloon, all my confidence goes right out the window. To be honest, I have taken a couple of weeks off of searching for a job. I am thankful that I am able to do that. I don’t know how others fight the same fight day after day of searching. I don’t know how they go through the ads, sending resumes, going for interviews to be told no. Ya, ya. I know I’m not supposed to take it personally but how do you not?
I have learned something though. The last couple of days I have noticed that as my balloon of confidence dwindles, so does everything else in my life. I have been a complete bitch to be around lately. I have about as much patience for parenting right now as I do for drilling a hole in my head. I snap over the tiniest of issues. WHO LEFT THE DAMN BOWL IN THE LIVING ROOM FULL OF MILK??!! IF I’VE TOLD YOU ONCE, I HAVE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES NOT TO LEAVE THE GOD DAMN DISHES LAYING AROUND!!! Of course not one of the kids steps forward to admit it was them. I am pretty sure they are scared that I may condemn them to the firing squad. I know I wouldn’t come forward admitting it was my bowl! And so of course that pisses me off more, till I feel like my head is going to explode.
I feel a complete lack of control over anything in my life right now. And I hate it. So to overcome that, I try to control what I can. With an iron fist mind you. Seems the kids have been avoiding being in the same room with me lately. No, really I don’t understand why??!! (That was sarcasm by the way, in case you missed it)
So as I feel like my life is in the toilet, I picked up the book “Daring Greatly” again. Come on Brene, you worked for me once to see the light. Shine on me again. But it’s not Brene shining on me. It’s me remembering that I can’t control everything. That the world does not revolve around me. That my kids are avoiding me because I am nasty right now. Wait, the world does not revolve around me? WTF? I am sure it did! Did I not order the ‘revolve around me’ kit?
I would like to blame this on PMS, but, well, I can’t. It is just the fact I feel life is really out of my hands right now. Granted a lot has gone on lately but that is no excuse to act the way I have been. I tell my kids all the time that just cause they are having a rough day, it does not give them permission to make everyone else’s life miserable. I always tell them to go off by themselves to figure out what the need to make them more tolerable.
I need a time out. I need to put myself in a time out away from society. But how do you do that when everyone in your house NEEDS something from you?? Well, you just do it. Mom needs a couple of hours guys. They are more than willing at this point to stay clear. The problem is when I come out of my time out I find my house has been vandalized! Oh, wait. No, it’s just my kids not knowing how to clean up after themselves!
Ok, the time out method needs some work. Because after looking at my living room and kitchen in the state it is, I am thinking I am ready to go homicidal. Everyone is grounded! Everyone is losing their privileges. Everyone is being punished. Until I then take a couple of deep breaths and realise that is stupid. Maybe if I laid out my intentions a little better they might get it. Probably not, because the problem is not them. It’s me. Me and my unreal expectations of controlling everything I come in contact with.
So how do I let go? How do I look past the need to be in control of the universe? I need to get back to feeling ok about me. In my mind, I can repeatedly tell myself that I am good enough. It’s the believing it that is difficult. Friends try to help by saying the right position will come along. The right company will see my assets and value them. Thanks guys, but sometimes, in the middle of not getting the job I really really wanted… the words are just words till I can get back to believing them.
I had a girlfriend send me a couple of job ads a couple of weeks ago, telling me I could totally do this job! Apply! Ya, ya. I will look at it when I get back from my long weekend camping trip was my response. But she didn’t let it go at that. She simply asked me to please do it tonight. Ok, ya, whatever was my response. And then it was gone from my mind. But just before falling asleep, the promise I had made her came to haunt me. I tried to tell my brain to shut up, but it was having none of it. I had told her I would look. So I got my ass outta bed, turned on the laptop and had a look. She was right, I could do these positions that were posted. In fact one of them I had already sent in a resume on! The other two were kinda cool as well. One I had to completely rewrite my cover letter for. Renia, you might have been wondering why your ears were ringing the other night. Sorry, that was me cursing you. But I did it. I sent in my resumes.
Then you will never believe what happened. As I laid my head down, I smiled. I did it, I thought. I made her happy. Ok, maybe myself too. Alright! FINE!! More than happy. I felt like I had accomplished something. That little act of sending in those resumes reminded me that I can do something about this. Those companies that didn’t decide to hire me, well they are missing out on something great here! ME.
I know that when you are unemployed you are supposed to treat looking for a new job as your full time job but I can’t. I need to be able to just walk away from it when I get frustrated. So I push a little further past that frustration level each time. Build up some resistance to that feeling. When it gets overwhelming, I step away. Feeling good that I did what I could and a little more. I know that the right job will come. Because just like the rest of my life, I refuse to settle for less than I deserve. That includes my career as well.
It’s a slow process but I am learning that I am good enough, dammit!