Well, I am single again. And while I am trying really hard not to be bitter about it, I am. I really thought this one was different. I really hate the thoughts running through my head trying to tell me that I am the common denominator in not really finding someone to share my life with. I really hate when people tell me that the right one is still out there. I really hate when people tell me to just take this time for myself and enjoy.
As the quote says… I am tired of being single. But I am also tired of meeting men that are just plain douche bags. I am not talking about the sleazy ones that give that “look” and makes your skin crawl. Those ones I don’t give the time of day to. I am talking about the ones that you think are different then they turn out to not be. The ones that you find yourself thinking that he is different but he is not. The ones that you open yourself up to, all the while hoping to a higher being that it will not hurt this time.
The relationship ended about 3 weeks ago and I really thought I was ok. Things had kind of been heading in a direction I wasn’t thrilled about and I basically told him to man up or move on. He chose to move on. Which I was actually ok with, because if his behavior was any indication of things to come, I wasn’t interested. So he packed up the things he had here and left.
Funny part is that he blamed me as much as the thoughts in my head did. He blamed me for changing although he couldn’t or wouldn’t give me any indication of what he meant by that statement. He couldn’t tell me how he felt I had changed or why he felt that. At one point he even turned it around on me and rather angrily told me that maybe I should figure out why he was saying that I had changed. REALLY??!! Well considering I didn’t think I had changed, I really wasn’t sure where I should start in that process. So that was when the man up or move on statement was made.
Now don’t get me wrong, it stung that he chose to move on. I had opened up my life to him. Invited him in. Introduced him to my family and friends. Made future plans. And here he was walking out the front door.
I had explained right from the beginning that I am who I am. That I would not be changing and if he thought that he could change my behaviours or attitudes, he was setting himself up for disappointment. I spent more than enough years in my marriage trying to convince my ex I actually wanted to be married, I sure as fuck wasn’t going to do that again. So if you want someone different, you should probably look elsewhere, cause what you see is what you get.
We really had a lot in common as well. We both loved to be outdoors. Whether it was camping, or working out in the yard, going for walks, just anything outdoors really. We would sit and talk, something I thoroughly enjoyed as I am not a TV or movie fan. We attended some activities around town. Both open to exploring interests the other had. I loved to hear about where he grew up and how he got to where he was. He appreciated that words were important to me. Even bought me a bracelet with a book charm on it.
So, I asked myself, where the fuck did it unravel?? Did I actually change as he had suggested many times? Did I become something different than what I was when we first met?
And the answer surprised me because the answer is yes. I did change. I started going to the gym to better myself. I continued to grow while I was with him. I continued to be inquisitive. I ensured that I continued to challenge myself on my self-growth journey. I guess I did change from that first night we met. I continued to grow emotionally and personally.
And I was doing pretty well with all those thoughts. Till he messaged me this morning. This was the first time in 3 weeks I had heard from him. In that 3 weeks I had gotten a new phone and some of my contacts didn’t transfer over when I did the whole back up phone thing. So when I received that text asking me how I was, I didn’t recognize the number (and honestly, who knows phone numbers anymore these days!). I answered that first message telling this unknown person I was quite fine…. And who is this?
He laughed saying that wow… he was hurt that I had deleted his number already. I really had no clue it was him. So I explained the whole phone thing and seriously, who was this. When his name came up on the screen, my heart stopped a little; which surprised me. Cause I thought I was done with all the feelings attached to that name. Apparently not.
He went on to tell me he had moved into a new place, got a new vehicle and was really happy. I answered with short messages back. Not really entirely sure why he was messaging me. But he didn’t make me wait long to figure it out. He wanted to know if we could be friends. If maybe we could form a friendship. At first I thought that maybe that would be nice. I mean, we did have fun together. Then I reread the messages and began to get what I thought was angry. But as the tears rolled from the corner of my eyes I realized I was hurt.
My reply back to him was that he left without even having the decency to let me know how he felt I had changed so much that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. That he had disrespected me by taking the gifts he had given me. That he had said some very mean things in the last days and now he wanted to be my friend because he knew very few people here (his words, not mine).
Wow, that made me feel very special (sarcasm) and I told him that is was best if he just moved on because I couldn’t let go of that hurt enough to form a friendship with him. I wished him nothing but the best but told him I was out.
I had another cry for it ending. But also a sigh of relief that it was indeed over.