Those were the words that started the whole thing. The next chapter in my life, as it were. It was a minor incident that had occurred that had the proverbial straw breaking the camel’s back. That minor incident also caused those words to just fall right out of my mouth! Almost like I had no idea they were in there.
Oh who am I kidding? This was a long time coming. A perfect storm brewing. Waiting for the right time for the skies to open up and begin the downpour. For a while things were not right. I felt like I was my husband’s mistress. He was married to his job. I can remember wanting to give up the big house, the fancy cars, the trips, the everything; if he would just be home more. He was working so hard to just be able to give to us. But I had decided that I didn’t want the stuff. I wanted a partner. Don’t get me wrong, all those extras were nice. But at what expense?
“I’m done.” The words that followed next. He looked at me. A little scepticism in his eyes. “You’re done WHAT??” he asked.
“Done with this marriage.”
As I spoke the words it felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders. A thousand angels sang out. Ok… maybe only 100. FINE! One angel sang out… but you get the picture. This immense feeling of freedom had washed over me. The last few years had been difficult. Yes, we tried counselling. Yes, we tried reconnecting. Having 4 kids has a way of making a marriage seem like the whole thing is about them. Hell, we even had ‘date night’. Just him and I. Alone. No kids. And what did we talk about…. The kids. But I had already left the marriage. Basically given up.
“I’m done”… I almost whispered it this time. I turned to go upstairs, not sure what else I could say. I really was done. I really felt like I had no more give in me. As I turned to walk away from this discussion that was going nowhere, I grabbed the clothes basket on my way up. He followed…. Questioning me. Not letting me celebrate my freedom I had just found in 2 little bitty words! Next thing I knew, the clothes basket was over the ledge from the top of the stairs. It connected with the TV stand. Glass from the TV stand was everywhere. Kids were either in shock or crying. And I was screaming… yes SCREAMING (did I mention the fact I felt like no one in this house listened to me??)…
I. AM. DONE.
Ok, not my proudest moment. But everyone is entitled to a little snap. Right? I mean I had just discovered with 3 words that I was free. I was out. I was on my way to…. Holy shit! What was I on my way to? I hadn’t worked in 14 yrs. I had only been a mom to 4 kids and a house wife to my husband. Well then, maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Maybe I really had snapped. But I wasn’t thinking all that right then. All I knew was I wanted out. I was done. I needed to escape right at that particular moment. I needed away from it all. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going. I didn’t really know anything in that moment. Or maybe I knew what I was really doing after all.
Either way, I guess I really was done.