Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, Alone

The other day I wrote about how sometimes it sucks to be single. And then I saw this tweet scroll across my screen. It’s funny how some words will spark a whirlwind of thought. I read this tweet and in less than 140 characters it rather nicely summed up my thought process over the last couple of days.

As women, I am sure you can all relate to PMS. I know some of you men will raise your hands on this too. Some sail through that time of the month without a second thought. Some months I do, but not this month. Add in the change in the weather, a time I have never dealt with well (ask my ex, he can testify to this!) and well you have a raging storm going off in my head. Thunder and lightning included. As the leaves began to turn from that green symbol of summer, to their bright reds, oranges and yellows announcing of their desire to sleep, as the trunks that hold them grow weary of their long days of offering us shade, I too turn inward. I know that right around the corner is the cold and bitter of winter and I hate winter. And my mood adjusts accordingly.

Back to the tweet…

As I said, sometimes a few words that pop up on my screen make me giggle. Other times, it makes me shake my head in utter disbelief. And then there are the times, like when this gem scrolled in front of me, that I stop and think.

The other day when I wrote the blog on being single sucks, I spoke of how doing the everyday things are sometimes a chore without some help. And it does. But I can go the entire day without thinking once of being single. I have had many people tell me I need to learn to be single. Whatever that means. I can get my ass to work. I pay my bills. I can cook. I can clean. I can do activities. All by myself. So I think I have this learning to be single thing pretty much down pat.

This tweet speaks to that for me. Mornings are honestly my favorite time of day. It is quite often when I blog. It is quite often when I sit listening to the silence. I don’t like to share my mornings. I like to sit with my warm coffee in my hand, thoughts swirling in my head. I have no need to discuss these thoughts. They are mine and mine alone. Every now and then one of the kids will wake early. They will sometimes just curl up on the couch and turn the TV on. Sit in silence watching the images dance on the screen while they shake the fuzziness of sleep from their brains. But sometimes, they will find me, hiding in my quiet state and want to talk. It’s never anything big they want to discuss, they are just looking for some company.

UGH, is my first thought. Mindless chatter interrupting the stillness of my day. They yammer on about who knows what. I am not listening to them. If I ignore you, will you go away? If I answer with uhs and mmhmms all the while thinking will you just please just stop. Nope… they aren’t getting the hint here! Sounds selfish when I put it down on paper. But it is my time. My time to collect myself for the day ahead. My time to hear nothing but the endless chatter in my brain. My time to just be. Just my time! And I have also learned over the years, I NEED this time. We all hate waking up late and having to rush. Forgetting something along the way. We all hate that feeling of hurrying out the door, thinking of the impending doom that will surely happen because we are late for something; school, work, a sports game. Me, I feel that way if I don’t get some time to myself in the morning. And then I am grouchy all day long. So if I recognize this in myself, why don’t I do something about it? Why don’t I just suck it up and realize sometimes I will not get my way? Well, because I WANT that time in the morning. It’s really quite simply that. So I have no problem waking at 6am to get it.

Now some might read this tweet and think she sounds lonely. I didn’t read it that way at all. The tweet speaks to the problem with being single when the night closes in and the ‘other’ quiet time starts. Well it does for me anyway. That time in the evening when you are settling in. After dinner has been made, afterschool activities taken care of. The evening chores done. That time in the night when the stillness of the house seems larger than life. When you crawl into bed and just before drifting off, you start to think.

And that is the time that although no words need to be spoken, I wish there was someone there with me. A significant other.

Don’t get me wrong. Crawling into a big empty bed is actually nice sometimes. I can wiggle around the entire area of the bed, trying to find the most comfy spot. I can roll up in the blankets on a cold evening, not worrying about the fact I really should be sharing. I can use all the pillows if I so choose! It is my bed dammit and I will sleep on it how I see fit!

Then there are the nights when I long for a warm, loving man beside me. Not for conversation. Not to feel whole. Not for him to complete me. Not for sex. Not for any other reason than to feel that closeness with another. To feel the warmth coming off their body. To feel that connection that no words would ever give. To feel that acceptance. To feel that you are not alone in the world. It’s not a lonely feeling. It is more of a longing. That time just before you fall asleep to maybe be curled up in his arm, your head resting comfortably on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around you in a protective silence. Feeling like there is no other place in the world you belong or want to be. That feeling of pure and utter acceptance. Knowing that no matter what happens, this person right here, right now, is with you. I often wondered at the thoughts going through his head when I did have this but I didn’t want to ask because I wanted to believe that he was also feeling that moment of… hmmmm, I don’t have the right word to describe it properly. But if you’ve experienced it, you know what I mean.

So please, don’t mess with my mornings. I need those. But my nights, those quiet few moments just before sleep pulls me into the darkness, for those few moments… I will gladly share that time with one that is deserving of sharing it with me.

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Debbi Serafinchon Written by:

Just an average ordinary woman being herself on this crazy ride we call life. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I chose to bring along 4 crazy side kicks on this journey, my 4 kids. The actual realization of my journey began after my divorce. Hindsight being what it is, I realized before my divorce I was just going through the steps. My eyes are now wide open to the path ahead of me.

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