Oh it’s that time of year again. The leaves are changing colors. The frost is thick on the ground in the morning. The days are growing shorter. Summer is closing up shop for the season. Everything is entering into that winter phase.
And so is my mood.
Happens every year, so it really should be no surprise to me when this happens. This year it seems to be a little more unbearable It usually starts with me getting super tired.
Hibernation should be a human thing too
— PiratePrincess™ (@dPiratePrincess) November 18, 2013
From there I start getting my headaches. I actually had to think on this one because I get headaches quite regularly anyway, but these ones feel a little more intense and they linger just a little longer. Then my insomnia kicks into full gear. It’s just me, myself and I lying in bed at night debating just about anything and everything.
The problem with being the strong one is its expected of you all the fuckin time.
— PiratePrincess™ (@dPiratePrincess) January 15, 2014
And I could handle all of that if it didn’t spur on the shift in my mood (dun dun daaaaaa). Ya, that’s the part I hate. The questioning of myself. The feeling that there is something I can’t quite shake free of. I wouldn’t call them dark thoughts (no worries, I have too much to live for to think that dark). But it’s more like the inability to find that little ray of sunshine. It doesn’t seem to want to peek through that grey cloud above my head. I am having a hard time finding that silver lining right now.
These last couple of months have been very trying on me as well. My son has returned home after being gone for more than 2 years. Now, you would think that would be cause for celebration, and in many ways it is, but at the same time it can be very taxing. He requires a lot of coaching or directing, if you will. I love him dearly, but man can he be exhausting. Then there is the fact that I’ve just started a new job. Again, you would think that should be cause for celebration as well. But it is a drain on my brain. I seem to be learning something new every day with my new career. Wait, I believe I actually am! I love it, very much, but again… it is exhausting.
Now you would never really know this to look at me, that my thoughts are all fucked up in my head. I am still smiling. I am still getting together with friends. I am still running kids here, there and every where. I still haul my ass out of bed in the morning and make it to work on time. I still pick up the groceries. I still cook dinners, do laundry, clean my house. I am still doing all the day-to-day things that I do, but a little dark cloud seems to follow me around.
Things that normally make me happy, well, it takes a little more to bring a smile to my face but I am better than a married woman faking an orgasm on this (oh yes, I went there!) at putting a smile on my face. I can plaster a smile on my face when really all I want to do is hide the tears that seem to be lurking in the background over nothing really. I guess if you really know me you could tell the difference in my personality. My ex could. He could almost pin point my shift in my mood. But I am a master at hiding it. It could be my super power if I needed it to be.
I have done lots of research on this. My doctor and I have gone back and forth on this topic for years now. In the beginning we tossed around the idea that I just required more sleep. That was back when my kids were all very little so it stood to reason that I needed more sleep! I mean tell my one mom with toddlers that doesn’t seem to get enough sleep! Then as the kids grew up a bit, we discussed this thing called SAD (seasonal affective disorder). It was suggested I try to fit in as much natural light into my day as I could so I tried the getting out in the sun more. Didn’t seem to help.
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that seems to be related to the amount of daylight to which people are exposed. For most people it tends to be worse in the fall or winter, making it an extreme form of the “winter blahs.” Some people, however, experience symptoms in the late spring or early summer.
I have, in the past, talk to a therapist. She was awesome. She literally helped me get through my divorce. And she is another option I am tossing around right now. Maybe a visit to her office might be what is needed as well.
A few times over the years I went on antidepressants. They seemed to lighten the cloud a bit, but I hated the side effects of being on the drugs. They seemed to sap my energy more than the mood thing did. Yes, I’ve tried lots of different drugs, dosages, blah, blah, blah.
So to this point, after years of trying different methods, I have just accepted it as a normal part of my life when I feel myself sinking. And right now, I feel like the perfect storm is brewing in my head. So like the day light is shortening so is my patience and my mood.
But I am done. I don’t like feeling this gloomy feeling. I don’t like questioning myself. I don’t like wondering if I will just snap out of it. So after a couple years hiatus from the Doctor’s appointments and thinking nothing will come of it anyway, I am making another appointment. I have a new doctor. There is new research. There are different methods we haven’t tried. And I am game. Bring it on. I hate feeling this way. Most people that know me would know that I am a fairly happy go lucky person. Not much brings me down in life. I tackle one issue at a time, deal with it and move on. But this year, oh this year, I feel a little more helpless with it. I know that it is effecting my every day life. I know that I am short tempered with my kids. I know that I am a bore to be with when I head out with the girls. All I want to do is lie in bed and try to sleep.
So I am making the doctor’s appointment. I will keep you up to date on the outcome. I know I am not the only one that suffers with this. I just want to be one less that puts up with it. And I hope in sharing my struggle that it might just help someone who is struggle with the same issue. If I talk about it, maybe someone might benefit from it. I know that I am not alone and if you feeling that your mood is a little off, well just know… you are not alone either.