I have had some mean, nasty, down right vile things said about me and said to me. I have had people talk behind my back. I have been judged for being a single Mom. I have been judged for choosing divorce. Hateful words have been used to describe me for ending relationships with friends or lovers. My integrity has been called into question. My parenting skills have been looked down upon. My whole being has been trashed and I know that some out there have wished I never existed.
I have cried over things that have been said about me in a mean malicious manner. I have wished I could have chosen a slap in the face rather than the words that cut so very deep. Sticks and stones may be able to break bones, but words have a way of sticking with you. I have taken the words that have been spit in my face to heart and examined my life. I have slipped into that dark and dangerous place called depression a few times in my life.
I have smiled when I felt like breaking down. I have encountered pain in many different forms. But none have ever hurt so much as words that are spoken from a place of darkness. I have heard people that claim they care for me spew some of the worst of those words. I have told others of secrets so very close to my heart to have them used against me. I have worn battle armor made of these very words to protect myself.
I have been called heartless. A bitch. Selfish. A whore. A slut. A bad mother. A useless entity. A waste of breath. I have heard it all.
But I have learned from you. I have learned from those words you have hurled at me. I have taken them in. Examined them. Processed them. Sat with them. Analyzed them.
And I want to thank each and every one of you that have taken the time to not only tell me your vengeful words but others that will listen too. I want to thank you for keeping me at the top of your mind. I want to thank you for ensuring I have a spot in your thoughts.
I want to say that I wish I could make it all better for you. Because I know that all that hate you have comes from all the hurt you have endured over your life. I know that the anger that bubbles out is only the tip of the iceberg that you have hidden inside. I know that the more ignorance you spew out at me, the more it is hitting very close to home for you. That in some way, by trying to hurt me, you are trying to rid yourself of the pain that you are living with. I wish things had worked out differently for our relationship, whatever that relationship might have been. Friends. Lovers. Confidants. Co-workers. Siblings. Relatives. Or just passing acquaintances.
I also want you to know that while the words hurt, that they cut deep, I am not any of those things. Your hurtfulness has opened my eyes up. And yes, I may act like some of the things you have labelled me as, I am not that person.
I am a loving, caring individual. I am not sorry that I loved myself more than I loved what we had. I am not sorry that I couldn’t be that person you so hoped I would be. I am not sorry that I couldn’t morph into the vision you had in your head of what I should be. I am not sorry that we no longer have a relationship. I am not sorry that even after all of the things you have said, I am still smiling. I am not sorry that I am me.
I have taken a hard look in the mirror. I am taking the time to analyze me. I am taking the time to learn about me. The things I don’t like. The things I value. The things I can live with. The things that make up who I am. I am taking the time to change what I deem unnecessary not only in my life, but in my personality. I am taking the time to see the better qualities I offer. I am taking the time to understand the things that I don’t desire to be a part of me. I am seeing that through it all, I am a pretty good person.
So once again, thank you. Thank for you helping me see my bright shining light with your words of darkness.