This mind of mine can really be a beautiful thing some times. I am creative. Been told I am good with words. Can dream up some really amazing things some days. It has helped me be a success in my job. I tend to be a logical creative thinker (can that even be a thing?). I see the end result I want and work backwards from there to create some great ideas. I can relate to others. Sharing my experiences and stories to help someone find their way. Or at least I think I do. I am pretty good at scrabble. Not only in creating the words but also knowing the strategy on where to place them for the best possible score. I am also a very empathetic person. I find that quite often I am deeply affected by the feelings of others. Yes, I am one of those ones that cries at the stupid Hallmark commercials.
My mind also has twists and turns that sometimes even I don’t understand. And that’s where its gets a little complicated. See, I sit here and type out all the things that I know are real or right. I can offer some of the best ways to handle situations. I can really relate to the struggles others go through. I have come a long way in better understanding myself. How my brain reacts to certain things. The different scenarios that play out in my mind, at unreal speeds that have caught some people off guard. And I think out loud, so all those crazy thoughts come rushing out my mouth. The final details are somewhere in there but I need to talk them out. So while I ramble on, trying to make sense of the things going on in my brain, some people mistake them for plans. They’re not. They are only ideas. You need to let me use my process to get to the end.
That brings me to the point of this blog. It is so easy to sit on the other side and offer the advice that I know is the right advice. It is quite easy to see a situation and deal with it. I have said before I see a problem, deal with it and move on. That’s my brain working at its best. Then something hits close to home and all that goes out the window.
I’ve met a man (you had to know this was where I was headed). He is an absolute delight! It’s still really new and fresh. You can all relate to that feeling! There was a connection right from the start. That feeling you get when you can’t wait to see him again. You can’t quite seem to get him off your mind. Thoughts of him pop into your head when you least expect it. You get a goofy assed grin when he sends you a message. You feel like you are a teenager again when he holds your hand. The touch of his hand on the small of your back as you are walking through the door he is holding open for you almost takes your breath away. And all the nice things he says, ahhhh they make your heart pitter patter. And scare the living bejesus out of me!!
I have always said I am just me. It is my twitter handle. It is my website address. It is me. I am no one special. I am just as important as the next guy in the coffee line. So why do I get so freaked out when someone sees something different in me than that? Well, pull up a chair. Let me tell you why…
I don’t view myself as anything other than your ordinary average person. I wake up cursing my alarm. I like my coffee in the quiet of the morning. I enjoy the simple things in life. I try not to hurt others. I try to see the good in all. And that quite honestly suites me just fine. Because if I am just like everyone else, than there are little expectations. Right? (just nod in agreement here). But when someone tells you that you are special, well now I have to examine that. Because once you put me in that special category, I feel like I am up on a pedestal for viewing. Soon you will see all my flaws. You will realize that I am not that special. And then you will decide that my flaws are not what you bargained for and you will be disappointed. And I will be left with my heart in pieces.
See the problem with all this is, he doesn’t even have to participate in any of this. My brain already has it all worked out. And it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have something good.
I should probably question it.
I should probably turn this over in my mind.
Again. And again. And again.
With all my talk of self-discovery and awareness and growth, you’d think that I had mastered this long long ago. Well if you thought that, you’d be wrong, wrong, wrong. This is just another part of my learning process. It’s easy to have all the answers when you are not in the middle of something. Some of my best laid plans have been broken half way through the plan. You can have a backup plan. Or 2 if you are me… but until you are in the thick of things, you really don’t know what or how you will react. And that is where I am. So it all starts off really good. Ohhhh he likes me and I like him too. Then he asks me on a second date. Ohhhh he really likes me. And this continues. Now this is not the hard part. The hard part is when he says something kinda deep or meaningful. Something like…. I can’t believe my luck in finding you still single. Yes, I am well aware that to some that might seem silly, not meaningful at all but to me, I feel the pressure starting in my head. Your luck?? You think you’re lucky to find me still single? So what does that mean? And on my brain goes. Then the next time we are together he might say something like “I am really enjoying getting to know you, I think this is really the start of something good”. By this time, I now have a personal investment in this guy. So my brain is really revving up. I am lucky, I have some great friends that bring the logic into the conversation when I start freaking out.
But why do I start freakin out in the first place? Why do I let myself get all worked up over this? Why does my brain start to think that once he gets to know the real me, flaws and all, that he won’t be as impressed. I need to interject here, I am no one different with him by my side or without. I am me. I don’t put on airs to impress. Ask my friends… I swear like a sailor. Don’t dress to the nines. I really am just me. I freak out because of the unknown. Because of past experiences. Because that is just my brain. Not using that as an excuse. More of a realization that because that is how I’ve done it in the past. But remember, I am learning as I go, so this is the new improved version of Deb.
Many years ago when I was seeing a therapist, she told me that I needed to learn to self sooth. As one that thinks out loud, that seemed like an impossible task! I like to hear others’ opinions. Granted I will listen to what you say and end up doing it my own way, but I love to get background. But I think she was onto something (I know, CRAZY!! A trained professional that might actually know what she is talking about!). So rather than seek outside validation for something, I need to look inside and make it all ok. All by myself. That right there is my lesson to be learned. And I am trying it… with a little help. You can’t expect me to go cold turkey on this one!!
I can’t control the outcome of what will happen, that I know. I can’t know what is going to happen later today or tomorrow or the next day. But I can control my reaction to it. I can stop the freak out from happening or at least lessen it. I can take a deep breath and remind myself to live in the moment; to enjoy what is happening right now. But it is so hard to live in the moment, when you are looking forward to the next smile that you know is right around the corner…