This has come up in my life for a while now and most recently this week. So I decided I need to write about it because it really pisses me off to no end. We all encounter people every day that lay out their feelings for us. You know the type… they give you a veiled statement but mean so much more to it than just the statement. I’ll use a real life example:
Kenz: Oh, I have basketball tonight
Kenz: maybe I won’t go
Kenz: but I kinda want to go
Now, my son isn’t driving yet. He has no way of getting to or from basketball without me driving him. To the very opposite end of the city that we live on. So the conversation continues, now by texting (cause that’s what teenagers do)…
Me: I need to know if you’re going to bball
Kenz: *gives me name of gym and time
Me: Does that mean you are going?
Me: I need a little help here Kenz (hint: Mom, I’d like to go to bball tonight. Can you drive me?)
*at this point I picture the light bulb going off with that ENORMOUS hint
Kenz: Yes, Mom can you drive me to bball tonight?
Me: Yes. Now, that wasn’t so hard was it?
Kenz: Nope *with a smiley face (cause that’s another thing teenagers do)
So in all of this, all I needed was for him to ASK me for what he needed. But instead he WANTED me to read between the lines on his needs. If I had not read those correctly, I can guarantee that he would have been pissed he had no ride to basketball and that would have came back as anger at me for not reading into his message for those needs. I say guarantee, because I have dealt with this before.
I see it all the time. Partial statements on a Facebook status. People that tell you how they feel then get pissed off when you don’t take action. DRIVES ME INSANE. The social media statements just annoy me now and I don’t play into it anymore. I know you are looking for someone to ask questions when you post… “so pissed off” or “wow, that was an interesting conversation” or whatever other bullshit status you but up BEGGING for someone to take notice. Sorry, but I am not playing that game. You want me to know what’s going on, well then tell me. It’s quite simple really.
I read an excellent blog on this
I actually posted it to my Facebook page because it speaks the truth. Some people don’t like the truth so blatantly in their face. Meh, I really could care a less, I posted it anyway. And to be honest, I got a few likes on this. So there are a few other people out there tired of the game as well.
So I got thinking, why do people do this? Why do they throw out a statement such as “I miss you” then get mad when you don’t respond with trying to figure out a way to make it so they don’t miss you? I mean, you told me that YOU missed ME. That’s all you said… you missed me. You didn’t follow it up with a ‘we should get together’ or ‘can we go talk soon’ or anything. You just told me you missed me. No call to action on that statement.
Just my humble opinion on this but I think the reason there is not a call to action statement is that it would require YOU to take ownership of it then. You would have to put it out there that you require something from me. That leaves the chance for rejection. Opening yourself up to have to ask for something can be quite vulnerable. And it is. You have just let someone in to see that you have a need or desire and you’re hoping they can fulfill it. What if they don’t or can’t? Will you die? Will you keel over right there and die? Of course not… but it will hurt. Because we have been programmed to believe that if they say no, they are rejecting you. They may not be… maybe they just know their boundaries and it has nothing to do with you. Oh there’s a novel idea….
So, instead of taking ownership of needing or wanting something from someone, we give that ownership to them but without them knowing. And then when they don’t respond they ways we expect them to, we are hurt. Which usually comes out in anger.
Another statement that drives me up the fucking wall! “If you loved me, you would understand my needs!” WTF?? How the hell is someone suppose to read my mind to know what my expectations are? I usually get back an “I am trying to be considerate of your feelings to not ask for too much”. Again, how do you know my feelings if you didn’t ask in the first place?? You are trying to relate your experiences to my life then trying to come up with a way that you would handle it if you were me. HUH???
WOW… that is a lot of thinking you are doing. A lot of extra work you are doing. A lot of assuming you are doing. And not once did you ask me. Hmmmm, call me crazy but if you had just asked me in the first place what you needed or wanted from me, I could have saved you a lot of time and energy on that. CRAZY CONCEPT, hey?
So this is how it will work best with me. You tell me your feelings. Give me some indication of what you need from me. Leave it with me so I can think about it. Rather than me trying to read between the lines and figure out what you want (which I will probably get wrong anyway), how about you let me know what you want from me. I will give you an answer, that I promise. It may not be the answer you want, but it is MY answer. It saves us both from playing the assuming game.
You let me worry about me and you worry about you because in the end if you play the guessing game, one of us will do some serious damage to our relationship. It works best if you worry about your needs and I worry about mine. So please ask me, I don’t play the passive aggressive game well.
I’ll tell you what I can and can’t do. All you need to do is ask. PLEASE.